Friday, August 15, 2008

I’m Back!!!


I’m that happy to be back in the good ole blogosphere!

Ok, Omi, you were right. I was ill again…don’t worry, nothing serious. And before you ask me again, let me tell you I left the scripting job. The workload at office got too much…and my health wouldn’t allow me to do two jobs.

Anyways, now that’s over. So chapter closed.

Right now I’m on cloud nine coz I have the time to do a lot of stuff – blogging, sketching, painting and most importantly reading. I’m planning to buy a whole lot of books soon.

My Mom and Dad are so sweet. They gifted me 5 books, but only 2 appeal to me. Two books are by Sudha Murty – her language is too lame. I got bored with the simplicity of it all. Another book is ‘The Sea of Poppies’ by Amitav Ghosh. I started reading it, like it but soon switched over to Coelho’s ‘Brida’. Man, what a book! Awesome! It had me completely gripped. Dad also got me a Robin Sharma, which looks promising. Now I'm doing my best to finish Murty or my Dad will feel hurt that I didn’t like his choice. Sheesh, after this mental torture I’m going to Strand bookstall and getting myself some nice and classy literature.

WARNING: Buying Chetan Bhagat’s ‘Three Mistakes’ is the Fourth Mistake you’ll make! I haven’t dared to read it coz I heed good advice.

Every step that I take is another mistake to you…

This is how I started feeling. Everything was going wrong….terribly wrong. I felt I would never be able to get anything right. I was getting fed up with life….with people and with myself.

There were people who were judging me, criticizing me and assuming a whole lot of trash about me. People who spoke out of turn and never bothered to apologize…and who managed to blame me for things I could never dream of, let alone do.

I’m will to change myself for others, but what do I do when I don’t know what they expect from me? I like things to be very clear and straightforward – and I don’t mind people telling me anything, but they don’t. That keeps the situation shrouded in mystery and I’m left feeling guilty and with the hopeless question – ‘what do I do next?’

Then there were those who felt they were being cruel to be kind. I felt like the poor priest Peter Gilligan who said - “I have no rest nor joy nor peace.”

I knew I was cracking under the strain of controlling my anger and I was afraid. Afraid of my own brutal strength and force and afraid of what anger is capable of doing to a person.

Besides this there was lots of crazy stuff happening in my life. I couldn’t do anything about this problem and that freaked me out. It took every ounce of my self-control and will power to stop myself from going crazy. I wanted to scream, cry…do anything at all. But my throat was too parched and I found all my tears had dried up even before they could reach the eyes.

I was inconsolable. I was guilty of so many things and deeds that I soon lost count. My friends say it wasn’t my fault, but the doubt persists in my head like a slow poison – what if…

I hope this phase doesn’t come again in my life…I know it may and I’ll have bear it like I just did - my own little secret suffering.


(2nd August post – sorry about the delay)

I just spoke to my best friend Sudha about our college days. She's in Banglore right now working for The Express Group.

These are some of our fond memories:

Once one Professor (she hated me) threw me outta the class for no fault of mine. Incensed, I stormed off to the Library and wrote down all my feelings, which were basically made up of unprintable adjectives.

One of my friends' Mayur, snatched that note from me and started blackmailing…at first I used to plead with him to return it, but then the matter gradually faded from my mind.

Today on Friendship’s Day, that rascal called me and read out the entire note! Gosh, it’s been like 5 years since that incident!!!!

Then there was a time when I bunked my Economics lecture. Unfortunately, the Prof knew me very well. She entered our next lecture in the IT Lab to find out who all has bunked her class. And what do you think I did? The minute I saw her I hid under a table! I’ve even hidden behind doors and cars and God knows where else to escape Profs! But what fun we had!

It was nice to talk about all those memories and that too with my best buddy. We all miss you Sudha! Well, except me :)